Yup, I know, long time no write. Life happens and tends to get in the way of plans. But today, I’ve got something on my mind.

You know, they say you should always write about what you know. I’ve been seeking knowledge for years, always pushing myself in one way or another. I have pushed myself into learning about history, mythology, theology, science, health, politics, art, and much more. I’ve studied everything from the stories of faeries to the lives of prolific authors, I know the difference between whiskey and whisky, and I can navigate between point A and B in my hometown with my eyes closed. The hardest part is what I don’t know. By personality and character flaw, I’m loath to admit something I don’t understand or readily have knowledge of- oftentimes I gloss over these moments. But, there is a problem with my lack of a particular subject. No, I’m not troubled that I don’t understand advanced trigonometry or that I am not well-versed in programming languages- it’s something much more troubling:

I don’t know myself.

Perhaps it is the root of my writer’s block or the thing which keeps me just unorganized enough to never finish my stories. Maybe it’s not blocking me at all and is just an excuse. Regardless, it’s troubling.

I’ve been seeking myself for years, but instead often find myself seeking else. I start down one path and end up walking down five others. It is as if I have gone into the woods with a destination in mind, only to find myself diverting to chase after an animal or follow the sound of a stream. Having wandered, confused, I am now curled in the roots of a tree, protecting and sheltering myself from the villains that have come and gone in the night. Those who once walked beside me now hunt me and haunt me, long gone on different paths I might or might not have taken. I feel as though I seek comfort in familiarity, but it’s doing me no good in the big picture of things. I drive myself forward in spurts, frustration getting the better of me and sending me from my so-called safety. My emotions are letting fear get the better of me and I’m done with it.

But, what do I know?


About Annaleigh Josephs, CSS

Annaleigh Josephs, aka The Lush...Certified or AJ the Lush, is a writer from the suburbs of Kansas City. An equal opportunity lush, she loves wine, beer AND liquor...but currently only holds certifications for wine and liquor. She also is a Browncoat with a love for all things scifi and fantasy. She currently works a straight job in the financial industry (after a major career change), writes for, spends her "spare time" with the Kansas City Independent Filmmaker's Coalition, and is working on several different personal projects (including two novels, a short story series, and a script).

Posted on 19 September 2012, in Rants, Writing and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. To be honest, I suggest booze: it’s quite good for helping strip back some of the lies that we tell ourselves about ourselves (at least, in my experience).

    I appreciate that you are doing some soul searching, and that can be a very difficult time, athough I wonder if the Buddhists have it right in the sense that searching for yourself is like taking leaves off a lettuce — you try and reach the core, but it doesn’t exist: you are the layers that make up the object.

    It might be shallow, but I do wonder if there really is any need to know ourselves; I can only speak for myself, but I am a mass of contradictions, idiocy, and ham-fistedness. It’s taken a while to accept that I am a dick, and that it’s okay: I don’t need to be congruent, or make sense, or explain my deeper volitions, motivations, and desires.

    Anyway, you’re obviously not me, and I am no guru when it comes to understanding oneself — I hope that things are okay and that you are working through the things that are important to you.

    • No worries, hun. I’m quite friendly with that ever-wonderful drink. As a matter of fact, I hold a certification in it. But, regardless, I greatly appreciate your comment and have to say a hearty thanks.

      And, yes, there’s very few problems a good (well-aged) Scotch can’t fix, don’t you think?

      And an update: I sent off for my high school transcript today. I’m so used to seeking knowledge, going back to school might be the best start. Fingers crossed. Now just to decide a program.

Any thoughts? Comments?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: